I ran across this article about the 5 top things people regret at the end of life. You should read it.
“By looking at the most common regrets of the dying, as shared with me during my years as a palliative carer, you might find yourself at a turning point, one where you can recognise the power of your choice from this moment onwards.
As I wrote in my book and have told everyone who will listen, I have chosen to be cremated after my death and am purchasing a biodegradable urn to be planted in my beloved prayer garden at my church. What I haven’t decided is what kind of tree seeds to put in it. The minerals in my ashes will help nourish the tree and there will be a memorial place for family and friends to visit. The problem is that the prayer garden is a rather small space and I want to blend in and add to the beauty rather than overwhelm it with my presence, so choosing what tree seeds to use has been a bit of a challenge. I love redbud and mimosa trees but I think they would take up too much space. I also love a tulip tree which is compact but only blooms for a short time and makes a hella mess for folks to have to clean up. I’ve tried not to be too much of a bother in life and sure don’t want to be one in perpetuity. My friend Patrick, who does a lot of work in the garden suggested a Japanese Maple which won’t grow too big and is very colorful in the fall which happens to be my favorite season. In researching them, though, they don’t always do well in Florida unless they’re in the right circumstances. So I found this one. What do you think? Do you have other suggestions? I’d really like to know.
A new post up on Medium thinking about Lent, spiritual and emotional growth, and working on being a good human.
Of Christmas Cards and Waterboarding Wonder Woman
If it’s true that the road to iffy neighborhoods is paved with good intentions, it’s no wonder that I often find myself unsure of where I am at the present moment. I tell myself that “I’m an idea person” to make myself feel better when my really good plans and projects fall off the ledge just shy of fruition. Let’s take Christmas Cards, for example. Every single year I save all the envelopes from the Christmas cards I get so I’ll have the addresses next year. By then I will have them all input into a spreadsheet and I’ll be amazingly organized and get them out earlier than the average bear. People will be amazed!
I have many, many boxes of unopened Christmas Cards as of this date 12/18/21. Zero cards have been written, much less addressed, stamped, or sent on their way. There is no spreadsheet. I found a pile of old envelopes with addresses on them in the bag that holds all the unused gift bags. I buy lots of gift bags every year but that’s a whole other story. It’s Saturday, so if I get cracking maybe they can go out Monday? Yeah, that might work! Mmmmhmmmm…. Well, the positive news is that I did not buy any new boxes of cards this year so I’m hanging my self-esteem on that flagpole right there.
I told you all that to tell you this because it is a testament to the well-meaning, idea-filled, frequently delusional hot mess that is me. It began with finding a super cool vintage Wonder Woman doll at a local warehouse antique sale that is held 4 days a month in my neighborhood. I have a lovely friend of many years whose personal theme is Wonder Woman. All of her friends know that a Wonder Woman t-shirt, coffee mug, or pair of socks is an excellent choice of gift for any occasion. Now, said doll is a bit worse for wear. Most of her parts are still moving and her makeup is still stunning but she’s kinda grungy, a bit dented in spots, and her hair is a tangled ratty mess. What I see is her, tidied up and with a new “do” cut a little shorter and dyed in lovely shades of gray like my friend’s beautiful hair. Seems easy as a cakewalk for a normal person, yes? So I set off down the road to Good Intentions, knowing full well that I am far from a normal person and the road, while familiar, leads to dead ends and other strange places.
I’m advised by people who know things that doll hair can be restored by soaking it in conditioner for hours or overnight. More is always better so I stuck poor WW head first down into a takeout soup container with conditioner in the bottom and left her there for over a day. Being the Advent season it’s a busy time at church and with friends and family, so when I pulled her out of the conditioner I rinsed her hair out well but didn’t have time to try combing it out just then, so I filled the container with clear water and basically just waterboarded the poor thing for a couple of days. When I finally took her out her hair did seem a bit smoother, but one of her shoulders is now dislocated and more of the paint has worn off of her bra/top. Half a step forward, and at least two back. That’s how I roll.
But this hot mess on the road to heck is also the eternal optimist. We may well still be able to pull this off. I know people who know things and I know I can find the help I need to fill in where I’m lacking in knowledge and skill so there’s still hope! So Kimberly, my Wonder Woman Friend, she may not get there by Christmas but I’m not giving up on her.
And for all you folks to whom I intended to send Christmas Cards… well, there’s still hope but it’s waning fast. Just know that my intentions are good, I’m thinking of you and yours and wishing you all the best this Christmas Season and into the New Year. I applaud and admire all you folks who are disciplined and organized and have at least some of it together. I’m not giving up on WW and I’m not giving up on me either. I didn’t increase my collection of cards I won’t send and I count that as forward progress.
Blessed Christmas Joy to ALL the World! 🎄🎄🎄
Grieving is not always about lost loved ones. We grieve all manner of losses throughout life, although we don’t always associate our feelings and behaviors with having lost something or someone important to us. We have certainly lost a great deal more in the last year than we ever imagined, finding ourselves having to make sometimes abrupt changes in a short amount of time. We may not have lost immediate family members or close friends due to the Covid-19 virus, but most all of us know people who have. The losses have touched all of our lives in one way or another.
We have lost our ability to move around freely. Where I live, most things are open but with restrictions. One has to call ahead and schedule specific blocks of time to visit the zoo, museums, or the gym and numbers are limited. Restaurants, churches, and sporting events are mostly open but with limited seating, temperature checks, masks, and buckets of hand sanitizer everywhere. Even chatting with random strangers in line at the grocery store is curtailed due to 6 foot social distancing requirements. Many have lost the camaraderie with office co-workers. (Even in jobs that I found miserable, there were always at least a few people I could laugh, chat or commiserate with.) Zoom meetings help, but they’re just not the same. I know some poor souls who are so terrified of the virus they have locked themselves away month after month with virtually no human contact.
I hate to even mention politics but I know so many people who have lost relationships even with family members and lifelong friends over opposing opinions. It’s been a heartbreaking thing to witness.
I think most people don’t recognize that a lot of what they are feeling is grief. We associate bereavement and grief with death, but it’s not uncommon to have similar responses to any type of loss. The difficulty comes when we don’t recognize the signs and therefore don’t attend to the healing process. Robert Taibbi’s article in Psychology Today, Six Signs of Incomplete Grief lists some symptoms to be aware of, including irritability and anger, overreaction, addictive behaviors, apathy/depression, and excessive fear of loss.
The good news is that once we recognize our loss, the properties of grief recovery can be helpful in regaining one’s balance from these losses. Some of these include self-care (eating well, exercise, rest), journaling, talking openly with trusted friends and/or a therapist, recognizing that your grief is your own and not to be “gotten over” on someone else’s timeline.
Everyone experiences loss of one type or another all throughout their lives. We all have different levels of coping mechanisms, whether built-in or learned through experience. The important thing is to be able to recognize when a loss is negatively affecting our lives and to be willing to use the tools we have and to be open to the people that can help us on our path toward healing.
In my work in long-term care facilities and with hospice, some of my favorite patients were those with whom I was able to write these words in their charts. (These are actually life goals for me when I reach a certain age.) Memory care units can be some of the happiest places on earth when interacting with a pleasantly confused person. They’re generally amiable and don’t often get upset when they are disoriented to place and time. It’s almost as though they just made up their minds to make the best of things when they started going fuzzy.
Of course, it’s not at all that simple, and a great many dementia patients become understandably angry and frustrated on the regular. I did a Dementia Virtual Tour similar to this one (https://www.secondwind.org/virtual-dementia-tourreg.html) once and it was unnerving and upsetting. I strongly recommend it for anyone who works or lives with someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s. I’m pretty chill as a rule, but that was a definite eye-opener. It’s not surprising that many dementia patients often act out with frustration.
I suppose one isn’t supposed to have favorite patients, but when they always are so happy to see you, tell you how pretty you are, and carry on the loveliest conversations with sentences that are almost all unconnected to one another, I couldn’t help but enjoy those visits more than some others. I had one patient who was always working in her “garden” and she would “show” me the various plants and flowers she was tending to on that particular day. She would sometimes complain about “those men” who were supposed to be moving dirt, mulch, rocks, and such for her. They had a habit of sneaking off before their work was done and she wasn’t going to let them think she hadn’t noticed when they came back.
Another patient could frequently be found in her room at her vanity, brushing her hair, and putting on makeup. She was always glad to welcome me and to let me know where she was headed that day. Sometimes it was for a television interview, sometimes she was getting ready for a class at college, and sometimes she was headed to work for her job at the bank. We had some great conversations about her “adventures.”
I often think about whether I would rather have a sound mind with a failing body as I reach the end of life, or a failing mind with a sound body. Of course I don’t necessarily get to choose, but I think being pleasantly confused and intermittently oriented sounds like a nice way to end things.
In my nine years as a hospice chaplain I can attest that a death where advance planning has been done, even minimally, is a world of difference from one where “nobody wanted to talk about it,” or “we thought we had plenty of time.” They are always accompanied by a myriad of emotions regardless of how well-prepared folks are; but with the unprepared, I would always have to prepare myself for a higher level of chaos and angst all around. Family members who are suddenly faced with making generally uninformed decisions end up running off of adrenalin and emotion. That’s not a recipe for a peaceful transition to the next life by any means. Sometimes families are divided on the decision making. Some have an understanding of the consequences of making certain decisions and will advocate for allowing a natural death while other siblings are adamant that “we can’t just let mama die!” (This happens sometimes even when mama has made her wishes known.) Other times not only did the patient never confront the need to make these decisions, but there isn’t anyone in the family who is willing either. Then the medical staff decides, which generally leads to more and more complicated procedures and interventions because they are trained to heal and often won’t choose to “give up.”
The greatest gift you can give to your loved ones is to complete your Advanced Care Planning as thoroughly as you can. This link from the National Institute on Aging is a good resource to begin with but an internet search will lead you to a great many more. This is not, however, a task only for our older folks. If you are of legal age and sound mind, the very least you should have is a living will and a designated health care proxy. It could be the kindest, most generous gift you ever gave to your parents. Death doesn’t restrict itself to the over 80 crowd. If you’re old enough to read this, you need to get it done. Your loved ones and those who are caring for you will be so grateful, even relieved during a most difficult time.
To learn more about things to consider and how to make informed decisions you can buy the book here. I think you’ll find it useful and informative and I’d be most appreciative.
Ah, New Year’s Day, a new beginning, a fresh start! I’m pretty sure most of us are good with moving on from 2020, it was certainly an… unusual year. But that was then; this is now. Things will be new, shinier, better!
Making resolutions for the New Year is a time-honored tradition meant to bring us hope and the determination to do better, to be better, to make positive changes in our lives. No matter that our success rate in years past has been less than stellar, we are determined to get back up and try again. My goals are the same as they have been in years past; to be more disciplined in mind and body by developing good, consistent habits, and to refuse to listen to the persistent little voice that wants to remind me that I have failed in the past and will fail again this time. I will instead admit that I need help and look for spiritual guidance and strength, as well as the support and encouragement of those who love and care about me. As much as I value independence, I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and lean on the strength of my God, my family, and my friends.
So today I will pray, and listen, and develop my plan for this brand new year and into the future. If you are doing the same, I hope that completing your advance directives is on your list if you don’t have them done already. You may think you have plenty of time to get around to it later and you probably do. But you might not. If 2020 taught us anything, it’s that we have no idea what’s coming next. Download a simple form that’s legal in your state or buy this book to help you to decide what’s most important to you and what to do about it. It’s a resolution that you can follow through on and you’ll be so darned glad that you did.
May 2021 be a healing blessing to us all.
In the book, I covered the importance of choosing a health care surrogate that you can trust to be strong enough to ensure that your wishes for your end-of-life care are honored. It’s an important choice that many people fail to consider completely. We tend to choose from our children or close relatives without thinking about how they may react under pressure in a highly emotionally charged moment. I explained why I chose one of my daughters-in-law with a close friend for backup instead of one of my sons or a sibling. I am confident that they both have the emotional strength to make decisions that adhere to my stated wishes in my advance directives. This is a good article on accepting this role that would be great to share with anyone you are considering as your surrogate. (The article calls it medical power of attorney which is just another term for the same thing.) Whether you be the asker or the askee, choose well.