In my nine years as a hospice chaplain I can attest that a death where advance planning has been done, even minimally, is a world of difference from one where “nobody wanted to talk about it,” or “we thought we had plenty of time.” They are always accompanied by a myriad of emotions regardless of how well-prepared folks are; but with the unprepared, I would always have to prepare myself for a higher level of chaos and angst all around. Family members who are suddenly faced with making generally uninformed decisions end up running off of adrenalin and emotion. That’s not a recipe for a peaceful transition to the next life by any means. Sometimes families are divided on the decision making. Some have an understanding of the consequences of making certain decisions and will advocate for allowing a natural death while other siblings are adamant that “we can’t just let mama die!” (This happens sometimes even when mama has made her wishes known.) Other times not only did the patient never confront the need to make these decisions, but there isn’t anyone in the family who is willing either. Then the medical staff decides, which generally leads to more and more complicated procedures and interventions because they are trained to heal and often won’t choose to “give up.”
The greatest gift you can give to your loved ones is to complete your Advanced Care Planning as thoroughly as you can. This link from the National Institute on Aging is a good resource to begin with but an internet search will lead you to a great many more. This is not, however, a task only for our older folks. If you are of legal age and sound mind, the very least you should have is a living will and a designated health care proxy. It could be the kindest, most generous gift you ever gave to your parents. Death doesn’t restrict itself to the over 80 crowd. If you’re old enough to read this, you need to get it done. Your loved ones and those who are caring for you will be so grateful, even relieved during a most difficult time.
To learn more about things to consider and how to make informed decisions you can buy the book here. I think you’ll find it useful and informative and I’d be most appreciative.